I’m here to celebrate Migraine Awareness Week by sharing some drawings from migraines and some words about my experiences from the past 22 years.
Migraines are horrible. Extremely painful headache, vomiting, visual disturbance, depressed mood, foggy head, weird shivers, as well as the panic I experience when I think one is starting. They can seemingly happen at any time, with no warning that I can pick up on. Literally anything seems to be a trigger; cheese, chocolate, lack of sleep, too much sleep, not having coffee when I usually have coffee, cleaning products, stress, LOW PRESSURE to name a very small amount.
My vision goes (the aura) and then I know that day is wiped out and the next day will be affected too. Not being able to see properly, I’ll message people and cancel plans, feeling anxious, whilst blaming myself for not managing to avoid triggering one, not knowing if the other person really understands it’s not “just” a headache.
I use a migraine tracking app and looked at my stats for as long as I’ve been using it, and found out I’ve had 114 migraines in 7 years. Each migraine usually impacts about 3 days, which works out as nearly an entire year of migraines or one day per week impacted by migraines, in that time period. And that’s not even considered that many in the world of migraines!
This also doesn’t count the days I think I might be starting a migraine. The moments when my vision seems a bit off. When my thoughts seem more disorganised. When I have been sleeping badly and I am stressed and I missed a meal and think “ahhh fuck one is bound to happen.” A background anxiety that one could happen at any moment and ruin the plans of the day.
I’ve done LOADS to try and help them. I’m on medication which I take every day. I’ve changed to a hormonal IUD. I try and avoid the triggers that I can. I try not to get stressed about avoiding the triggers. I move and dance for fun and to release tension. I go to therapy. I’ve been to a migraine specialist. I’ve seen a herbalist. I have CBD oil. I went through an amusing phase of having a small glass of wine whenever a migraine started.
I know, really, I am not in control of all of these things and there isn’t a “perfect” way to live that I can avoid all migraines… but sometimes acknowledging that feels even scarier.
It’s been interesting recently thinking about them as a disability, which helped me be less self-critical when I got a migraine. I could be more gentle with myself. I have autonomy in how I cope with them but I don’t need to blame myself for it happening. Sometimes I can think about the function of the migraine. As much as I hate them, they work as an emergency stop. I retreat from the world. Why does my body think I need that?
illustrations from jdwoof’s bedbooks